The people who see me with my friends, they usually think I'm an outgoing, fearless and funny girl, who laughs out loud and smiles all the time. Well, yeah. I like to laugh a lot. And smile. I think that when you smile at someone and it makes them smile, you've succeeded.
But the thing is, all these people who really thinks I'm that happy are usually wrong. They don't know anything about me.
They don't know I got bullied when I was in early basic school classes. I was the most unpopular girl you could ever met there just because of my different outlook on life. I was a loner. I was depressed. Hell, I simply was sad all the time because I was so alone. None of them wanted me.
Did I smile then? I don't believe I did much, not at school for sure. Although, I remember having a place to run - my summer house, where I could enjoy the nature and be far away from the people.
I switched classes in 8th grade. And then .. then something magical happened. I fell in love. You know, that was really fantastic, even though nothing serious happened, ever (I haven't even hugged him, so yeah). But just that feeling, of being in love and loving someone, it's totally wonderful. It fills you. Makes you feel good.
At the same time, though, it can be depressive as well. You know, when the one you love .. doesn't have any interest in you the way you'd want to. That hurts. A lot.
At first I didn't know anything about his feelings. We would just socialize, but never talk of that. I remember the second spring being in love, when I was majorly devastated because I had no idea what to do about him. I survived, though, thanks to my own initiative. And it actually was nice, you know. I said nothing serious happened, but these little things, moments we shared, they made me really happy.
But I remember the new wave of sadness and depression when he .. he .. rejected me. It was like putting me on hold for like 3 years and then saying no. If you've ever loved or been in a situation like that, you know what I'm talking about. I .. I thought I wouldn't make it, but .. but one of many skills he's taught me, is teaching how to be tough. Loving and socializing with him has made me strong. I'm very thankful for that.
I don't know how we managed to get in that very point, but .. we're friends now. After all the storms we've been through, we've finally found the place we meet. It's fantastic, you know. How someone can break your heart, yet you still care about and love them. I don't exactly love him as a .. boyfriend anymore, though? I mean, I don't see him as a boyfriend anymore, but a friend. Like that guy best friend every girl needs. Because no matter what has happened between us, he's amazing. Truly. And I really want to keep him in my life.
But he wasn't the only one causing me the sadness and all. Last year I got betrayed by my best friend I've known since 7th grade (year 2007). It was .. well, I don't know. Really. I have no idea what I did wrong when I tried to do my best to save our friendship. I guess, it just had to remain in the past, so .. But what hurts me the most about it, is how close we were. She was like a sister to me. And the flashbacks I have at times .. they hurt, you know. They are right when they say the happiest memories cause the most pain. The saddest only make you think what you could have done differently. But the happiest .. they make you miss that time. And it hurts the most when you know you can never turn that time back.
What have also hurt me a lot in my life is .. rejecting the guys who went for me. They really were (or still are, I don't know) interested in me, but I just .. couldn't bring myself to like them in a way they wanted me to. Even a bit. I just .. it's like the one who is not right for me is the love of my whole life. 'Cause I, personally, have no other explanation why he is still around. On his initiative that time. He also says, when you break someone's heart, it won't affect you. Well, it definitely affected me. It broke my heart as well. Because when you reject someone who has done something special to get you, and you just have to break one's heart .. I don't feel anyone would feel like a good person. Maybe it's just my thing.
And you know .. it's still not all. From the latter paragraph, you would think I'm that girl guys would fall for. Well .. I don't want to be an ego, but yes, they do fall for me. Despite that, sometimes I wonder if only the ones I don't want to? Because, seriously, I have another crush (one of the "popular" kids) and he has girlfriend. Didn't exactly seem like he was ever interested in me (don't know for sure, though). And then there's the one I think I'm falling for. I .. kind of spent a night with him? I .. uh, it's hard to explain. I'd rather not to. But then .. after taking care of him (like pulling the blanket around him and cuddling just to keep him warm; the house was freezing), I got to know he has a girlfriend. And he .. he doesn't remember a thing of that night. Moreover, when I told him, he'd think I'm lying. Or was the initiator, let's put it that way. When my best friend who was also there and knows most of the story told him it really was true, he wouldn't believe her at first either. And then he thinks now we are not telling everything - maybe we're saving your ass, you jerk. You know, it hurts. I mean, I never lie about things that are important and that was important ('cause for me, it was the best way to spend New Year's night), but .. sometimes it is just needed, to let some things out. For people's own sake.
And I have no idea what will happen now, but I know that I .. miss him a lot. Like really, a LOT. I haven't missed anyone like than since I fell for that guy in 8th grade... And he'd just ignore me 'cause he doesn't remember me :'(
I usually try to keep my positive attitude, but when your best friends are upset, then you can't just walk around with a happy face. I don't know why, but lately, it seems to happen more than ever. My besties I love so much, they've been so sad and upset recently. And what upsets me, is that they get upset because of someone else. I don't blame these "someone else"s, but .. stop hurting my friends! You don't fuck with me if you are not ready for consequences. I'll come for you! Leave them alone.
It's interesting to compare the usual me (all innocent kitten) when I'm laughing and acting silly, and when it comes to hurting the ones I love (the most aggressive tiger you can ever meet). Oh yeah, you for sure don't want to meet me in the dark streets.
When people continue to wonder why I keep smiling and laughing that much .. I guess that's my way of attracting the positive things in my life. I believe that if I keep being happy (or at least showing I am, and feeling a bit inside), I think it will work out in the end. And I believe he'll come for me. After everything we've done...
So that's just my story. For all the people who misunderstand me. Who think I'm crazy & weird & way too happy I should be. The truth is, I'm not completely. But if you try to be, that actually can make a difference in the world. At least yours.
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