A Place in This World

More than two weeks passed. You're okay, like you always were. You actually never had to not be okay, right? And why shouldn't you? It's not you who had feelings. It's not you who loved (!) someone who didn't love you. It was always me, who had feelings, hope and thoughts.

I can't say I'm writing again because the feelings are still here. No, they're gone, you know. I stopped loving you in some days after you rejected me, so yes, I can truly say, I don't love you anymore. But I still think about it. Not that I want to, but we can't control our minds, right. And if being honest, I don't want to think about it at all, because why to think about what's over and about someone who had never actually felt someone to you? Well, guess it's just me.

After some days I was still sad because we didn't work out. But then it went away. Happily. Now I'm just alone and after a long time I'm finally happy. I can smile and chill around, not having a need to think what you do or anything. I don't have to think anymore. About you at least. I'm finally free of you.

But why am I still writing? 'Specially 'bout you and me, 'our' past? Maybe it's a final dot in our story. We just weren't meant to be. We both knew it from the beginning. Just I kept hoping and you thought I had a chance. But we just weren't that lucky.

So yes, now it's finally over. I'm not mad at you. You know, I can never be mad at you? Things like that never change. But just .. thank you. Although we never had anything serious, just thank you for the things we had. Every moment we shared, every word we told each other, every confession we made. As I said, you opened my heart again, taught how to love and helped me to trust people again. And for now .. bye.

 I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
 

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

My never existed love story

I felt nothing. It's like  .. losing idea why you live. Well, actually, no. From the beginning I knew it's a love story that was never meant to be. But my stupid heart kept the hope. He made my heart dumb. My mind was always okay, it knew that 'we' will never exist. It was all about my heart.

In my childhood I remember Christmas as happy holidays. One time it just changed. They never was happy again for me. I believe it happened in 2008, when I fell in love. Yeah, and I still am. I don't fall in love often, but when I do, I fall hard. So, this is it.

But this Christmas .. I actually had this 'feeling' that something special is gonna happen. I really hoped this will be the time he actually says "yes". It would make so much sense, it could has made me happier than ever. But fate had other plans.

Fate .. destiny. It's for losers. Seriously. Because this Christmas he rejected me. And if before I had a real chance to be with him, then now .. it's gone. From now, I don't have this chance anymore. If being honest, I'm used to be rejected (I don't mean boys in this case, but life in general). But this time .. it was just too important for me. We are still friends, but .. there will always be these moments, when I'll just break because I'm gonna think again why 'we' didn't work out and stuff.

Why? A lot of people would ask this. Yeah, true that, they will. The answer .. because it's never too easy to forget this one guy you actually really love(d). I still do love him. That's the problem. I'm not heart-broken because of rejection, but I'm just .. okay, let's face it, my dumb heart still hopes, although I want to get out of it. I want to forget him, get over it, him. I simply can't.

But this care .. is my problem, 'cause I care. He said his words, he don't have to think about it anymore. But I .. in my heart it will be forever. It remains in my heart forever. Just him.

He left, but I will never ever forget him.

By k-ayway.tumblr.com

Don’t pretend you like a girl more than you do,
you will leave her with these thought in her head of
‘you and her’ and then change your mind,
leaving her questioning every small thing she ever did wrong,
It’s not fair.

Kuula Kingsleyt, sõber, äkki saad aru, mida valesti tegid

I ran away from tears

From fears

Rejection

My dream

And I ran away from my Love...

Niisiis, siin ma nüüd olen.

Mürgine, katkine ja mõneks hetkeks ka surnud.

Katkine, sest minu tunnete kulul tehti nalja, ma ei tea ega saagi teada, kes see oli.

Mürgine, sest nüüd ma kähvan igaühele, kes minuga räägib. Mürgiselt.

Surnud, sest kui sa saad teada midagi, mida sa oleks võinud saada teada kelleltki, kellest sa tõepoolest hoolid, valelt inimeselt või lihtsalt vales situatsioonis, siis sa lihtsalt murdudki. Neil oli õigus - mis saab siis, kui ta ütleb ei? Või kui ta lihtsalt ei hooli (kuigi ta ütles korduvalt ka ei). Minu jaoks teeb sama välja - ma lähen katki.

Sellel, kes seda tegi, tundeid tõenäoliselt ei ole. Ta on nagu Zack mu jutus - tundetu ja egoistlik, valmis eesmärgi saavutamiseks ükskõik milleks. Lõppkokkuvõttes, ma jäängi selle ideoloogia poole. Vaatamata sellele, et ta ütles, et pole. Pohhui. Ei huvita ka. Aga ma loodan, et see, kes seda tegi, on õnnelik nüüd. Võib-olla sai ta oma tahtmise nüüd, ajas mind mulle kallite inimestega tülli, tegi mind tundetuks ja purustas mu südame, lisaks veel selle peal tallates.

Tänan sind, sa tegid mu ideaalse päeva veel ideaalsemaks!