Monday 24 June 2013
Saturday 8 June 2013
We change because because bad things happen to us
It's hard to be grateful for the bad things that has happened in your life. We often forget, however, that they bring us where we are now, which is usually quite happy life. Furthermore, even while we're having good times in our lives, we forget to say, "Thank you," "Why to say that?" Many would ask. Well, why to swear and whine when we're having our downs? Same reason. If you whine while you're having bad time, don't forget to thank while you're having good time. Just in case. Maybe more good will happen.
I was wondering. I get inspired hardly, but here's that one moment when I feel a need to say something to the world. People think I'm way outspoken anyway, there's no way to save my reputation, so I'll just use myself as an example. Okay, let's face it: even my Mom think I'm too open. Well, she also thinks I don't love anyone but myself which actually means I don't pay enough attention to our relatives she so much adores, forgetting her family at the same time. I don't have that kind of family yet. But my friends and man are my family. They never forgot me while Mom did. That's why they are more family to me, also why I love them more. So yeah .. different points of views lead to misunderstandings.
Anyway .. Not many people know the pain I've been through. They'd think I started writing to get attention. Yeah, right, many would think I'm a massive attention-seeker because of all the things happening around me. You know, like they say, "Some people write because they have something to say while some write because they have to say something." Moreover, I'm pretty sure that the ones that knows .. not all of them understand it or can judge properly. A few understands, that's for sure. Pain .. my pain. Oh. I don't think I'm gonna recall all these memories again. They hurt. Even now. After all these years, they do.
Notwithstanding, I am thankful. I truly, honestly, sincerely am thankful for everyone that has hurt me. For all the bullies back in the basic school. For my second so-called best friend, who let me down, decided that I'm not good enough, and ran to lick someone else's ass. I thank him for hurting me so much, for betraying me, for fucking me over. I thank my so-called soulmate, sister and best friend, who also decided to play games with me. I thank my Mom, who showed me what kind of parent I don't want to be.
WHY?! HOW?! I know many of you would shake their heads in front of screen and wonder, why the hell I would thank someone for causing me pain. Let me bring it to you.
First, yes, you heard it right. This crazy girl over here, who would always have guys drooling over her, drama-aura surrounding her and lots of people she smiles at and looks like she's happy with them, was once bullied. I don't want to really be cliché "I was different and they didn't like me", but that's the truth. I don't know what was wrong, tho .. Oh wait, my bad. I was weird. Okay, always have been. I had different hobbies, different interest, I didn't fit in their so-perfectly-formed class. Oh well. It was horrible, I'm not trying to convince myself in otherwise. But there's one thing. Oops, two. If I hadn't been bullied, hadn't been a major loner and such an outcast, I would have never met my second best friend in life. She was the one I had some similar hobbies and interests with. We both went to art class for people who wanted to do something different from what was usually done in class. It was more interesting than usual art lessons, and there weren't many people. So that's how I found a best friend for like 4 years. Kinda. Sorta.
She taught me lots of things. She taught me how to be strong. How to stand up for yourself. How to defend yourself with some strong words. She helped me out. She was my best friend. We did lots of stuff together. We even went to the horseback riding camp together and that's seriously one of the best summer weeks I've ever had. Even after she left our school, we continued socializing. I loved her. I mean, like best friend. There are different ways of loving people, right.
Yeah. I really liked her. She was cool. Sure, we had some fights and disagreements, but who doesn't? We looked through it. Because when you are happy with someone, you don't really notice little annoying details. They simply don't matter.
I'm not going to blame her only in our falling out. Sure, it's never one person's fault, I guess. Well, yes, I personally think sometimes it is. But maybe there are just some minor things you didn't notice and that's the reason for that, let's call it, betrayal to happen. Why I thank her, however, after all that fucking me over and all, is because without her I would have never met my third best friend.
That was the girl I thought was my real soul mate. At the beginning we were inseparable, though we have never even met each other. We were best friends over Internet. Nonetheless, we couldn't live without each other. We loved each other as sisters. We practically were sisters. It's like having an unbiological sister - that's who we were. We've met in real life, too. And that was truly amazing. We shared secrets. I told her things I have never told anyone before. Not completely everything, but still. Completely everything I told my one and only, and only after that I managed to tell these secrets to someone else. Out of paragraph, sorry. One time it came out (she told me herself), she'd been lying majorly. She made up a major story that wasn't true even a bit. I forgave her. I have always been a forgiver. Once, however .. okay, let's say we've known each other for a bit over than a year. The first lie was in about .. huh. I don't remember really. After about half an year since I've known her, I think.
She was the first person I invited to my birthday. When I did, I even had no idea how I would do that because no money, no parents' agreement .. nothing. Just a plain idea. However, I knew she's the most important person, she has to be there for sure. That way it was back then.
She promised to come to my birthday, yeah. With her boyfriend and stuff - I believed that she has one, even after last time she said that she has one, it came out it was fiction. I'm a believer. Even after being fucked over and betrayed so many times, I still choose to believe. Anyway, we all waited for her. Everyone here has heard about her, because I simply told them how amazing, awesome and wonderful sister she is! They all waited. My best friend - now one and only best friend - even decided to make a collective gift for me. And guess what happened then, when everyone was waiting? Well, she just decided to disappear. To ignore our messages and calls. To just .. disappear.
What is worse, she owed me some money, and had been promising to return it for two moths at least. And she kept dismissing it. I got it back in the end. But I was so pissed. Still am. Yes. That time she's not getting out of it easily. If one person fucks me over numerous times, then I don't forgive that easily anymore. Period. Ugh-oh, well. I forgive her, but just throw her out of my life. Like she did with my feelings. Because she was the only one over the years who knew how everyone has fucked me over and betrayed me, yet did exactly the same thing.
Her I want to thank as well. She helped me out many times. She was there for me. Sad that she decided to go away. But before she decided to leave, she gave me the best gift I could have ever had. Thanks to her I met my Love. If it wasn't for her, maybe socializing with him would have been more complicated, and, what's for sure, I wouldn't have gone to his place in the first time. I wouldn't have met him in the morning to dismiss my sadness. I would have, probably, cried alone in my room, and then put up my mask and show that to everyone, her including. But thanks to her, I met him and now I'm the happiest girl in the Universe. Thank you.
Bullying also helped me with another thing. To begin with, I only tolerated being in that class for 3 years, after what I switched classes. There, for the start, I made lots of friends. But what is as more important as more painful, I met my first love. The first guy I'd truly fallen in love with. Ugh-oh, I can see your hair raising in anticipation.
Gotta disappoint you, guys. He's not a keeper. I thought he was, sure. But what he's good at, is playing games. I didn't realize it back then, of course. Only later.
After all the betrayal, he was the different one. I don't really know, how we suddenly started talking, but there I was, head over heels for him. Well, okay, that happened before we started talking. Didn't even take much time - just about 4 months after switching classes. And I didn't even share a word with him before. Oh yes, I am weird. He was cool. Yeah, he was. He had different point of views than anyone I'd ever known before. He was cool to talk to. And what younger version of me found interesting back then were his mixed signals. Oh yes, that he's good at as well. He'd be all flirty at one moment, and totally cold next. Or it's just me misinterpreting it. However, my closest friends also knew. And they thought the way I did - more or less. You can't really fool 5 people, I guess. Or, you can, if you are extremely good at it. Which he was.
I won't tell you the whole story. If you are interested, you can find edited version on my other blog. I was a good person and didn't make him a monster he is in real life.
What I will tell you, is that he fucked me over majorly. That was the most biggest betrayal in my life. Because when you put all your trust on someone and then they mistreat you like, greatly, then you are so fucked. I was broken for a long time. I'm afraid I still have some broken pieces in me. But then again, I'm strong. I'm a warrior. I'm a fighter. I always work hard on getting what I want. After him it was peace, safeness and being the whole again. I think I succeeded.
Oh yes .. for what could I thank him? That's a tricky one. However, there's a bunch of pros in having loved him. First of all, he showed me what love is. One of the worst parts - when you are not being loved in return. When you keep getting fucked over and mistreated, yet continue to love a person. He gifted me with many funny situations and conversations. He made me happy after a long time. After a long time, I truly wanted to go to school. However, he left me with trusting issues as well, but being surrounded by so awesome and perfect people who now truly love me has cured me. Thank you.
I still love my Mom. Of course I do. Even after she treats me like dirt and is not discreet about saying that out loud. They are still my family, even if it's more biologically than emotionally. And I thank her for making me the person I am. For making me stronger. For not showing my emotions to people who don't care. For everything. Thank you.
All in all, I think the bad things are what truly make us. In our happy times, we rarely think about our negative stuff. We enjoy the moment and are usually happy. We don't thank, but we should. And we don't change really. Because why should we when we're so happy? Happy us got what it got for how it is. Which means we should not change. But when we have our bad times, we blame shitty us for getting where we got into. And then we change. What we don't realize most of time, though, that we should appreciate it. Because our bad times lead us towards the better.They motivate us, urge to become better. And that gets us to our happy moments.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I was wondering. I get inspired hardly, but here's that one moment when I feel a need to say something to the world. People think I'm way outspoken anyway, there's no way to save my reputation, so I'll just use myself as an example. Okay, let's face it: even my Mom think I'm too open. Well, she also thinks I don't love anyone but myself which actually means I don't pay enough attention to our relatives she so much adores, forgetting her family at the same time. I don't have that kind of family yet. But my friends and man are my family. They never forgot me while Mom did. That's why they are more family to me, also why I love them more. So yeah .. different points of views lead to misunderstandings.
Anyway .. Not many people know the pain I've been through. They'd think I started writing to get attention. Yeah, right, many would think I'm a massive attention-seeker because of all the things happening around me. You know, like they say, "Some people write because they have something to say while some write because they have to say something." Moreover, I'm pretty sure that the ones that knows .. not all of them understand it or can judge properly. A few understands, that's for sure. Pain .. my pain. Oh. I don't think I'm gonna recall all these memories again. They hurt. Even now. After all these years, they do.
Notwithstanding, I am thankful. I truly, honestly, sincerely am thankful for everyone that has hurt me. For all the bullies back in the basic school. For my second so-called best friend, who let me down, decided that I'm not good enough, and ran to lick someone else's ass. I thank him for hurting me so much, for betraying me, for fucking me over. I thank my so-called soulmate, sister and best friend, who also decided to play games with me. I thank my Mom, who showed me what kind of parent I don't want to be.
WHY?! HOW?! I know many of you would shake their heads in front of screen and wonder, why the hell I would thank someone for causing me pain. Let me bring it to you.
First, yes, you heard it right. This crazy girl over here, who would always have guys drooling over her, drama-aura surrounding her and lots of people she smiles at and looks like she's happy with them, was once bullied. I don't want to really be cliché "I was different and they didn't like me", but that's the truth. I don't know what was wrong, tho .. Oh wait, my bad. I was weird. Okay, always have been. I had different hobbies, different interest, I didn't fit in their so-perfectly-formed class. Oh well. It was horrible, I'm not trying to convince myself in otherwise. But there's one thing. Oops, two. If I hadn't been bullied, hadn't been a major loner and such an outcast, I would have never met my second best friend in life. She was the one I had some similar hobbies and interests with. We both went to art class for people who wanted to do something different from what was usually done in class. It was more interesting than usual art lessons, and there weren't many people. So that's how I found a best friend for like 4 years. Kinda. Sorta.
She taught me lots of things. She taught me how to be strong. How to stand up for yourself. How to defend yourself with some strong words. She helped me out. She was my best friend. We did lots of stuff together. We even went to the horseback riding camp together and that's seriously one of the best summer weeks I've ever had. Even after she left our school, we continued socializing. I loved her. I mean, like best friend. There are different ways of loving people, right.
Yeah. I really liked her. She was cool. Sure, we had some fights and disagreements, but who doesn't? We looked through it. Because when you are happy with someone, you don't really notice little annoying details. They simply don't matter.
I'm not going to blame her only in our falling out. Sure, it's never one person's fault, I guess. Well, yes, I personally think sometimes it is. But maybe there are just some minor things you didn't notice and that's the reason for that, let's call it, betrayal to happen. Why I thank her, however, after all that fucking me over and all, is because without her I would have never met my third best friend.
That was the girl I thought was my real soul mate. At the beginning we were inseparable, though we have never even met each other. We were best friends over Internet. Nonetheless, we couldn't live without each other. We loved each other as sisters. We practically were sisters. It's like having an unbiological sister - that's who we were. We've met in real life, too. And that was truly amazing. We shared secrets. I told her things I have never told anyone before. Not completely everything, but still. Completely everything I told my one and only, and only after that I managed to tell these secrets to someone else. Out of paragraph, sorry. One time it came out (she told me herself), she'd been lying majorly. She made up a major story that wasn't true even a bit. I forgave her. I have always been a forgiver. Once, however .. okay, let's say we've known each other for a bit over than a year. The first lie was in about .. huh. I don't remember really. After about half an year since I've known her, I think.
She was the first person I invited to my birthday. When I did, I even had no idea how I would do that because no money, no parents' agreement .. nothing. Just a plain idea. However, I knew she's the most important person, she has to be there for sure. That way it was back then.
She promised to come to my birthday, yeah. With her boyfriend and stuff - I believed that she has one, even after last time she said that she has one, it came out it was fiction. I'm a believer. Even after being fucked over and betrayed so many times, I still choose to believe. Anyway, we all waited for her. Everyone here has heard about her, because I simply told them how amazing, awesome and wonderful sister she is! They all waited. My best friend - now one and only best friend - even decided to make a collective gift for me. And guess what happened then, when everyone was waiting? Well, she just decided to disappear. To ignore our messages and calls. To just .. disappear.
What is worse, she owed me some money, and had been promising to return it for two moths at least. And she kept dismissing it. I got it back in the end. But I was so pissed. Still am. Yes. That time she's not getting out of it easily. If one person fucks me over numerous times, then I don't forgive that easily anymore. Period. Ugh-oh, well. I forgive her, but just throw her out of my life. Like she did with my feelings. Because she was the only one over the years who knew how everyone has fucked me over and betrayed me, yet did exactly the same thing.
Her I want to thank as well. She helped me out many times. She was there for me. Sad that she decided to go away. But before she decided to leave, she gave me the best gift I could have ever had. Thanks to her I met my Love. If it wasn't for her, maybe socializing with him would have been more complicated, and, what's for sure, I wouldn't have gone to his place in the first time. I wouldn't have met him in the morning to dismiss my sadness. I would have, probably, cried alone in my room, and then put up my mask and show that to everyone, her including. But thanks to her, I met him and now I'm the happiest girl in the Universe. Thank you.
Bullying also helped me with another thing. To begin with, I only tolerated being in that class for 3 years, after what I switched classes. There, for the start, I made lots of friends. But what is as more important as more painful, I met my first love. The first guy I'd truly fallen in love with. Ugh-oh, I can see your hair raising in anticipation.
Gotta disappoint you, guys. He's not a keeper. I thought he was, sure. But what he's good at, is playing games. I didn't realize it back then, of course. Only later.
After all the betrayal, he was the different one. I don't really know, how we suddenly started talking, but there I was, head over heels for him. Well, okay, that happened before we started talking. Didn't even take much time - just about 4 months after switching classes. And I didn't even share a word with him before. Oh yes, I am weird. He was cool. Yeah, he was. He had different point of views than anyone I'd ever known before. He was cool to talk to. And what younger version of me found interesting back then were his mixed signals. Oh yes, that he's good at as well. He'd be all flirty at one moment, and totally cold next. Or it's just me misinterpreting it. However, my closest friends also knew. And they thought the way I did - more or less. You can't really fool 5 people, I guess. Or, you can, if you are extremely good at it. Which he was.
I won't tell you the whole story. If you are interested, you can find edited version on my other blog. I was a good person and didn't make him a monster he is in real life.
What I will tell you, is that he fucked me over majorly. That was the most biggest betrayal in my life. Because when you put all your trust on someone and then they mistreat you like, greatly, then you are so fucked. I was broken for a long time. I'm afraid I still have some broken pieces in me. But then again, I'm strong. I'm a warrior. I'm a fighter. I always work hard on getting what I want. After him it was peace, safeness and being the whole again. I think I succeeded.
Oh yes .. for what could I thank him? That's a tricky one. However, there's a bunch of pros in having loved him. First of all, he showed me what love is. One of the worst parts - when you are not being loved in return. When you keep getting fucked over and mistreated, yet continue to love a person. He gifted me with many funny situations and conversations. He made me happy after a long time. After a long time, I truly wanted to go to school. However, he left me with trusting issues as well, but being surrounded by so awesome and perfect people who now truly love me has cured me. Thank you.
I still love my Mom. Of course I do. Even after she treats me like dirt and is not discreet about saying that out loud. They are still my family, even if it's more biologically than emotionally. And I thank her for making me the person I am. For making me stronger. For not showing my emotions to people who don't care. For everything. Thank you.
All in all, I think the bad things are what truly make us. In our happy times, we rarely think about our negative stuff. We enjoy the moment and are usually happy. We don't thank, but we should. And we don't change really. Because why should we when we're so happy? Happy us got what it got for how it is. Which means we should not change. But when we have our bad times, we blame shitty us for getting where we got into. And then we change. What we don't realize most of time, though, that we should appreciate it. Because our bad times lead us towards the better.They motivate us, urge to become better. And that gets us to our happy moments.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
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